How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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