This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
