Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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