Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
