Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
