just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
