I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
