I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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