Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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