apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
