I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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