I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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