I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
