So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
