Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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