Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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