but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize