he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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