We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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