i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
