I looked at my own cervix.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
