I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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