I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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