I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Mom said you looked used
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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