I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
