I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
