when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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