there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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