I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
