from now on my penis is your penis
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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