I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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