Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
