Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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