I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
