I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize