So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
