I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize