So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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