I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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