all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
