This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
