I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
