He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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