I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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