You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
