She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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