Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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