I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
