just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
