life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
