Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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