Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
