roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
