All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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