A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
