he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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