Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize